Funny how my posts are so different from each other. One says Matt is amazing and everything I could ever ask for and then the other says I'm miserable. So are the ways of love I suppose. I guess that's what this is. Everytime I see him I can't help but smile. Then, depending on his response, the rest of my day is determined. If he smiles back, yay for me. If not, well it's going to be a long day. Some days I seem not to exist. Others it seems I am everything and the only thing in any world. And then there are days where I exist but only sort of... I'm there but I'm a rock, or a tree... something that is not interracted with. I wish I could make him love me... or at least make him feel what I feel. To make him feel every little thing I feel, the twinges when I see *her*, the happiness that cannot be matched when he holds me, the unbearable sadness I feel when he won't talk to me or is cold. The way the tears feel when they fall and the pain I feel in my lungs when I can't breathe and they burn and want to explode. The giddy nervousness that goes all the way down to my stomach when he looks at me with those eyes. gah. Man, when I fall, I fall hard. I can't imagine living any other way though. Full out, full of passion. I love his voice, his hands, his eyes, his smile, the way he walks, the way he laughs... I love the way he loves, the passion he has in life, his tenacity, his strength. Everything. I wish he needed me like I need him... I wish he knew I needed him.
I don't know if I can keep going. I need... well that's it. I need. I need a lot. I need to be loved, held, comforted. This whole life thing is kinda pulling me down. I am not doing well in Chemistry at all. I jsut don't get it. At all. I miss my family... even when I went home I still missed them. John wasn't home, dad is never home and when he is he's watching tv and mom wasn't home just a whole lot either but it's not them being there that I miss. It's doing stuff with them.. going to tournaments, getting help on homework even if it was unwanted,
Monday, October 09, 2006
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