Fighting through one more day

Due to my previous two posts that could have been novels I will attempt to make this as brief as possible. Betsy, you are full of crap and I really don't care. You can go screw yourself. And for that, I appologize. Robert, I love you. Thank you so much. You are truly a blessing in my life and I love you. Thank you for everything you've ever done for me and thank you for taking a 2 hour hike w/ me. I am really sore. J.D., please go away. Britt, I love you too. Mom and dad loved the cake and John said he hated the icing. You need to eat some. Also, I'm tired of him. I give up and gave him 6... it might be 5 now... days to redeem himself. If he hasn't by the time I leave, then screw him, I can do better. Derrick, screw you, I can do better. I will not sit around and wait for you to decide if I'm good enough for you. I am wonderful, spectacular, amazing and probably love you slightly less than your mom. When you find another girl who would change anything you wanted just so the two of you could be together and would even consider changing her religion to be w/ you and someone who will love for better AND for worse (which means dipping, drinking, smoking, cussing, ignoring, gross, stupid self) you let me know. Until then I hope you're happy. I really do hope you find something better. Brock, love ya, I will find the songs ASAP. Danny, you are looking really good. Keep bein' your same sweet self. Munchkin, I think you made the game of farkle up. I also think you should probably not move beans around while Britt is cooking. She can confuse herself w/ out your help. lol. Kate, keep bustin' moves on that football field and I'll see ya tonight! Go UT!! (never thought I'd say that) ;) I guess that's all for now. Anyone else who is reading this, sorry for the last two entries. Really, I get to talking and I just keep going... ahh, I'm doing it again. Okay then, adios. -M

Dead

I'm not really dead obviously but I can't say it doesn't sound nice right now. Everything that can ever go wrong has been going wrong. I hate school, I don't want to go back, I don't want to transfer or quit though... my friends and I have drifted apart except for one who I wish would drift onto another continent and the one person I thought might be there for me and would stand by me (he said he loved me and would always be there for me) broke up with me because, "he needed to find himself and figure out what he really wants." Because for all the love he has for me, it's not what he really wants. He really wants someone who is hot, low maintenance but loves him unconditionally, lives in or near town for more days than not out of the year, and who is a conservative church of christ. Since I am none of those... well I guess I'm just s.o.l. He always says, "Morgan, I love you and you'll always have a place in my heart." Well isn't that special. He loves me so much he doesnt even want to try to make this work and I have special places in my heart for TONS of people. My smelly dog has a special place in my heart. If I am so special and if he loves me so much, what's the problem? I don't know. He doesn't know what he wants. Today he called and said he was sorry for not being the man I wanted him to be and to this I replied that he is fine the way he is and I love the man he is. For some reason this surprised him but once again was making it seem like all of this is my fault. It's my fault I felt bad about being ignored for a football VIDEO GAME, it's my fault I don't like it that he dips, it's my fault that I was raised Liberal and didn't go to church for several years, and it's my fault he broke up w/ me because he wasn't being the man I wanted him to be... which by the way I never said or said anything even remotely like that. I also found out that the more he talks to that girl he works with and stuff the more he likes her... but he loves me and I'll always have a special place. And if he can't find what he's looking for, or if he can't find himself in the next few months, he'll call me and maybe we can go back out. No sir. Let me translate that. If he dates around and messes with all the girls he can and they all turn him down or he gets tired of them, he'll settle for me and I should just wait around for several months while he figures out what's better than me and what he can get. He also gave me permission to date around while I was single. More bull crap. I don't need permission from anyone first of all least of all his, and secondly, I don't need to date around to find myself. I know what I want and I've been looking and I honestly haven't seen a single guy worth even flirting with, much less fighting for if it came to that. One reason the two of us hit it off so well... for me anyway, is because, whether either of us admit it or not, he's just as screwed up as I am. I can talk to him because I don't feel like I'm being judged. I don't feel bad about being different or upset.
I don't know what to do. Last night I couldn't keep it in any longer so I brought it up and he denied that he wanted to breakup for a little while then finally just said it. Then when I started to cry said not to cry, it makes him feel bad. YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD!! I didn't do anything to deserve this... had I cheated on him, okay, had I been mean and ignoring him or bossing him around, okay, had I been treating him like dirt, okay. But I have done nothing but bend myself in every which direction to make this work. When we talked about this we both decided we loved each other and we wanted to make this work and nothing could ever come between us. More stupidity on my part I suppose. I give him everything, I stopped eating for about 3 days once because I was afraid he'd tell me I was fat and gaining weight. I talk on the phone on nights he doesnt have classes the next day but I have an 8:00AM class or put down my homework because he's upset and needs me. I stopped looking around because I felt bad about it, I waited all of football season for him to decide if I was worthy of his time and effort. I ditched a few of my friends to hang out w/ him because they dont like him and I've hung out w/ his friends dispite the fact they don't like me. I've tolerated the meanest girl I've ever met for him because she's his friend. I've tried and tried and still he wants to look around because there are tons of girls out there that will love him like I do. Now I sound crazy, great. I can't help it. I love him. I can even ignore the fact that he dips and occasionally drinks and smokes on the "rare occasion" (so he tells me anyway) but I discourage it for his health. I don't care that he's conservative or church of christ or that he's stubborn as a mule and I've forgiven him for all the times he's hurt me. Why do I do this to myself? I hate myself. I am so stupid. That's all I can think about is how stupid I am. I can't even hold onto him. I'm so stupid. I hate it. I hate me. I cried for 2 hours and hit stuff and curled up in a ball and shook like a marraca, silently screamed until I thought I had burst a vein, and today I drove around wishing I had the guts to drive full speed into a large tree or a solid brick building or something... or off a bridge into a lake... anything. I'm glad I didn't though. I cheered up today I suppose... but he shafted me for lunch, acted like it was no big deal and said he didnt want to hurt me. Liar. If you didn't want to hurt me, you would have made it a point to make it to lunch. How hard is it to wake up at 12 in the afternoon? I screamed at him today as he drove past but only w/ my windows up and only after he'd passed by. I don't hate him. I hate loving him. I hate it that I care what he thinks and that I want him so bad. I hate it that I can't just let him go and get on with my life. He said he couldnt sleep he felt so bad. Big deal. I couldnt sleep either. I was up till 6 crying and then being mad and then crying again and then being mad again and venting to brittany and getting online to see if he was up... I hate it that I let him affect my mood so much. And then he calls me and was like are you feeling any better? NO I'M NOT FEELING ANY BETTER!!! You freaking broke up w/ me after I was kicked out of the honors program, probably lost my two biggest scholarships, was told I was fat and needed to lose weight, had to try on clothes w/ my perfect cousin and her perfect step mom,and watched 3 chick flicks that showed me the life I'll never live full of love and happy endings and then he forgot he promised to take me to lunch and slept in. Yeah, I feel freaking awesome!!! Screw you! I don't even care if you feel bad. I hope you do feel bad. I hope you feel bad and I hope every girl you ask out says no... or if she says yes I hope you're miserable. Or I hope that she treats you like crap. And then when you come crawling back to me, I'm gonna slam the door in your face like I should have done the very first time we broke up. I should have known not to trust in love or in you and I should have known better than to try so hard to be happy. Screw you. If I could show you how depressed I am right now I most certainly would. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone and yet right now all I want is for you to feel it with me and suffer. And when you need me like I need you right now, I want to tell you no and kick you when you're down. You know I don't mean any of this. I love you. I want to be with you right now, curled up in your arms, safe and sound but I know I can never have you. I don't know why I even bother... but if you came crawling back right now... not even crawling. If you came striding up the sidewalk, acting like the bad ace you think you are, I would probably still take you back like the pathetic loser I am. I've fallen and no one can help me get back up. Tomorrow I will deal with this like I do every problem I have. I'll eat until I'm sick and then I'll run until I hurt myself. Maybe then I'll be so distracted I'll forget about you and my miserable little life that shatters to pieces when you leave. Good night my love, sweet dreams, forget me and go find a more convenient love. Go live a nice convenient life, go to college far far away and forget you even met me. What good is a place in your heart when I can never have more than that tiny sliver. What good is it for you to love me when you won't share the love with me and you won't accept mine? It's better if you just ignore me, forget I exist, like my "myspace" I may as well be a blank, lonely thing. Forget me, if you can't remember me you'll just have one less thing to worry about in your life and all I want is your happiness. Don't worry about me, I'm pretty good about disappearing. Erase me from your phone, your e-mail, your life and live and love meagan or katie or whoever else. I'll just go back into my invisible girl mode. If I could have any super power, it would be invisibility so I could just vanish and not bother anyone anymore. good night and good bye.

Lost and Stupid... not a good combination

Somewhere along the way, between moving to a new school, trying to make friends, trying to find love, and going off to college, I've lost myself. I try so hard to make everyone happy and all it ends up doing is hurting me. But the thing is, that's all I know. I don't know when I started doing it but somewhere between elementary and now I started doing everything for everyone else instead of for myself. On top of losing myself and my way, I am stupid. Being lost anywhere is hard enough, but being stupid on top of that is basically a death sentence. I mean, imagine driving to some place you've never been and taking a wrong turn. A person who realized they were lost would either turn around and back track till they got to where they needed to be, or read a map and figure it out, or ask for directions. A stupid person, however, just panics, doesnt know what to do, or in some cases, doesn't even realize they are lost.
Anyway, I realized it today as I laid on my bed and cried until my head hurt and fell asleep for lack of better things to do and woke up feeling even worse than when I had fallen asleep. I realized how lost I was when I was in mid tantrum. See, I'm currently in a relationship where it feels like nothing I want or care about matters at all. You'd think, "why are you in this relationship then?" well yeah, I thought this time would be different (stupid) and I always give in because I'm afraid of losing him (stupid) and I would do something about it but I love him (stupid) and I dont want to make him upset (stupid). I can do better... well, I like to think I can do better anyway. there's always one more thing wrong though. He got mad at me for getting upset "about the little things that don't even matter" and so I have convinced myself that everything I get upset about doesn't matter. I mean, I guess getting ignored for 2 hours while he plays a video game THAT HE OWNS isn't that important. And I suppose getting upset about things like him being so sick he can barely function but he's playing the same video game w/ a friend and he had to let me go so he could focus but it's okay for him to talk to this other girl that he works with, that lives closer than I do and that he liked this summer and recently thought he might like her but wasnt sure. Why do I put up with this crap? I don't know. I suppose the alternative isn't any better. I haven't met any one at tech, the guys I like here don't like me at all.
Other than realizing that I have compromised all of my standards for this "great find" of a man... boy... I lately realized that I'm not at college for me, I'm at college for everyone else. For my teachers, for my family, because of all my classmates and due to my grades, which were also high because of pressure to be perfect for everyone else. My parents say they love me and they would love me no matter what I do. But they both went to college, both have masters degrees... they might have a couple actually but they have expectations... and no body likes a townie. But it is soooo hard. I don't know if I can do it. Being in the honors college (pressured by my teachers) I feel like an idiot. I am not nearly as smart as half of those kids in there and I shouldn't have even been accepted. I hate school. I've been off for 3 weeks and I have another whole week but I don't want to go. It's the last thing I want to do.
I can barely function from day to day anymore with out getting upset and throwing myself into a fit of tears... I wonder how tomorrow will be...