What to do

What do you do when there isn't anything left. Everyday I feel drained and empty. The only person who really fills me up with life is cranky and wants nothing to do with me over half the time. I try and I fight. I do nice things, I am mean sometimes, I try to be playful, I try being edgy and cool, nothing works. It doesn't matter what I am, it's not enough for him. If you ask him he'll say differently and I'm sure he's right, it's just that he should show it more often. When I try doing nice things for him he gets mad and frustrated. When I'm mean he gets mad and frustrated. When I'm moody or happy, it's the same thing. When I don't care what we do, well, that's game over. Some days there is nothing that I need more than some hugs and a little attention and all he can do is complain about how terrible things are in nursing school or how terrible his life it. I'm sure it's all bad and stuff, but come on. There are two of us and one of us needs lots of attention. I dunno. I just feel empty all of the time lately. There's nothing left for me to give to anyone. I can't be a better friend, I can't be a better daughter or girl friend, I just can't. I don't have any desire to go to school, to see people, to try and be fun and social. I just want to go away and take maybe two people with me and just tell the world to fuck off. I miss my family like crazy and any where I turn for my physical needs, I am turned away. I can't even get a meaningful hug hardly any more. *sigh* I don't even know what I'm talking about any more

Chilling

Yo, to all. lol. I know no one reads this, but oh well. Anyway, I'm currently hanging out in my favorite coffee house writing a pointless paper for my stupid english class that it appears I'm going to fail. Yippee. Anyway, this week, or this month I guess, has been a little stressful. I've found my shoulders cramping up again and countless knots down my shoulder-blades and back. Definitely not a fun thing. Today I have remembered how awesome it feels just to chill. I'm enjoying a pot of tea and one of my favorite bands, definitely my favorite Irish band, well, Celtic anyway, and taking the time to write a decent essay while taking breaks between parts. I love this place. It's kind of small and very comfortable. They always have on some kind of chilled out music, though I tend to listen to my own anyway, and on Thursday nights they have a live celtic band come play. It's nice. It's perfect for coming to study, to read, to meet up with friends, to take a date, anything really. Well, anything that involves sitting anyway. I did make one mistake though. I ordered a medium cup of my usual and favorite drink, the ever-amazing white chocolate raspberry mocha. WHOO!! A medium cup is huge though and I drank almost the whole thing. I also had a large brownie w/ chocolate chips in it and a TON of sugar and followed that w/ an extremely caffinated pot of tea. I'm a little wired right now, to say the least. Being wired for me makes me uneasy and jittery. Not cool, by any means, but better than passing out in class, so I'm okay with it for now. This has mainly been my reward to myself for finishing the opening paragraph of my english paper in a decent fashion and doing all of the analysis instead of just rushing through a ton of BS like I usually do. I guess it's back to work for now though and then maybe another blog later. I can tell all about my recent adventures in the fighting community. :) lata!

It's official, I'm a nutcase

At this point I'm fairly certain that all of this is made up... none of it is actually how I write it, I've just warped it in my mind. Mom and dad are here all the time. Matt, well, he may not love me, but he cares. He is genuine, which is more than I can say about anyone else I've ever dated. I'm not worthless, I just feel that way and my insecurity is finally getting the better of me. I've been able to hold it back for so long, but I fear that the hole that's been slowly forming in my soul is growing exponentially and I have no idea how to stop it. How do you become whole again? How can someone who is expected to be strong and sturdy and holding up the world for everyone show their weakness and their brokenness? More importantly, how can whatever is broken be fixed and put back together? Even if I do begin to heal, I'll find a way to destroy it all again. Perhaps I have doomed myself to this life. Perhaps I will become the dark fey after all... at least then I'll be strong in my hidden, if make-believe, darkness. At least then I could finally be a fairy and do magic and stuff... I bet that would preoccupy me enough to pretend my psych issues aren't there... I dunno, I guess we'll see. Plus, she's all about healing and taking care of/ ruler of the "blessed dead"... I think I could do that...

For those of you who aren't cool and don't know who Morgan le Fey (also spelled Fay), here is the link so you'll have a slight clue of what I'm rambling on about...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morgan_le_Fay

Losing it...

I'm so tired. I'm tired every day. More than physically too... I'm emotionally exhausted. It's so hard to care for people, hard to keep trying. Worst, and most wonderfully of all, is Matt. I love him. I feel so deeply for him that I cannot even begin to express it. I hate it that he is so close to me... it just makes everything so much harder. He keeps mentioning coming to see me, but there's always something in the way he says it or when I bring it back up that makes it sound like he doesn't want to come. There's always the feeling in his voice like, "I don't really want to come to see you at all and four hours is way too damn long of a drive, but I guess if I *have* to..." I don't want him to come if he doesn't want to. I don't want to be an obligation. I just want to see him and I thought he might want to see me.... When he says things like, Oh, I can't come today, it ruins everything. My entire day is going to be that much darker, that much more boring and lacking in happiness. I hate being without him. I hate not being able to see him, hold him... even more I hate not being held. I hate being dependent on someone.

I think the worst feeling was how I felt yesterday. When I finally fall completely into that dark spiral of depression and feel absolutely certain that I'm not worth it... not worth anything. Yesterday was spent wondering why he's even still with me, why he thinks I'm worth sticking around for. I hate knowing that he could do better. He could do better... just the sentence hurts. I just need to be with him... if only for an hour... if only for 10 minutes. I need to feel his arms around me, I need to feel his breath on my neck, his body next to mine when I wake up in the morning. I need to feel his chest under my head. I need. What good are words? What good is any of this that I'm writing? Why do I believe every word that comes out of that sweet mouth? What good is any of my love if it's never returned... what good is anything if there is no love? Why am I so weak? I just want it all to go away. I don't want to be anything, I just want to be. I don't want to be the less-than-perfect Morgan anymore. I don't want to be anything, I just want to be. Be alone. I want to be where there is no time, where I don't have to grow up, where I don't have to care about anything. Where the future doesn't matter and there is no past to be remembered. I want to be where I don't feel any more pain. I'm home and yet I still miss my parents and my brother. I talk to him every day and I miss Matt so much it hurts. I'm so tired... someone please stop this hurting... please.

Confuzzled... as usual...

Funny how my posts are so different from each other. One says Matt is amazing and everything I could ever ask for and then the other says I'm miserable. So are the ways of love I suppose. I guess that's what this is. Everytime I see him I can't help but smile. Then, depending on his response, the rest of my day is determined. If he smiles back, yay for me. If not, well it's going to be a long day. Some days I seem not to exist. Others it seems I am everything and the only thing in any world. And then there are days where I exist but only sort of... I'm there but I'm a rock, or a tree... something that is not interracted with. I wish I could make him love me... or at least make him feel what I feel. To make him feel every little thing I feel, the twinges when I see *her*, the happiness that cannot be matched when he holds me, the unbearable sadness I feel when he won't talk to me or is cold. The way the tears feel when they fall and the pain I feel in my lungs when I can't breathe and they burn and want to explode. The giddy nervousness that goes all the way down to my stomach when he looks at me with those eyes. gah. Man, when I fall, I fall hard. I can't imagine living any other way though. Full out, full of passion. I love his voice, his hands, his eyes, his smile, the way he walks, the way he laughs... I love the way he loves, the passion he has in life, his tenacity, his strength. Everything. I wish he needed me like I need him... I wish he knew I needed him.

I don't know if I can keep going. I need... well that's it. I need. I need a lot. I need to be loved, held, comforted. This whole life thing is kinda pulling me down. I am not doing well in Chemistry at all. I jsut don't get it. At all. I miss my family... even when I went home I still missed them. John wasn't home, dad is never home and when he is he's watching tv and mom wasn't home just a whole lot either but it's not them being there that I miss. It's doing stuff with them.. going to tournaments, getting help on homework even if it was unwanted,

Bleah

Sad, lost, confused, pained, drained, hurt, and stupid. Wish there was something I could do. Nothing. I hate his emotions controlling mine and I don't know how to stop it. All I want to do is let go and yet all I can do is hold on. Keep holding on... don't let me go...

Different Person, Same Body

Today I was going through some of my old things on my computer and after reading them, it was like I didn't know who had written them. One of the things was a letter I had intended on sending to Derrick and after reading it I just kept wondering who wrote that? Which one of me wrote that? I am not nearly as unconfident or anything now. I am with Matt, he is amazing and great and everything I could ever ask for. I love ebing w/ him. He makes me happy. When I'm with him, I'm strong, sure, I'm Morgan! lol. The Derrick letter... wow... Idk who that was but I dont think it was me. So weak and confused... man, I was really depressing last year... lol. I'm glad that's all over now. Idk what to write here... I wanted to write a lot but I don't know what to write now that I've started. Well, now I've gone off and done other stuff and can no longer remember my point so lol, my bad... adios

M is for Murder

M should be for Murder anyway... or misery... or matt the skank. lol. Misery bc that's how I feel now and murder bc that's what he's doing to me every time i see him. I like him a LOT... a lot a lot and I was under the impression that he liked me but I see now that I was wrong. He is a flirt and I mistook that for something more I suppose... oh well though. My fault for being stupid. I can't really write about this right now... idk if I can't find words or what but oh well. Another day perhaps.