It's official, I'm a nutcase

At this point I'm fairly certain that all of this is made up... none of it is actually how I write it, I've just warped it in my mind. Mom and dad are here all the time. Matt, well, he may not love me, but he cares. He is genuine, which is more than I can say about anyone else I've ever dated. I'm not worthless, I just feel that way and my insecurity is finally getting the better of me. I've been able to hold it back for so long, but I fear that the hole that's been slowly forming in my soul is growing exponentially and I have no idea how to stop it. How do you become whole again? How can someone who is expected to be strong and sturdy and holding up the world for everyone show their weakness and their brokenness? More importantly, how can whatever is broken be fixed and put back together? Even if I do begin to heal, I'll find a way to destroy it all again. Perhaps I have doomed myself to this life. Perhaps I will become the dark fey after all... at least then I'll be strong in my hidden, if make-believe, darkness. At least then I could finally be a fairy and do magic and stuff... I bet that would preoccupy me enough to pretend my psych issues aren't there... I dunno, I guess we'll see. Plus, she's all about healing and taking care of/ ruler of the "blessed dead"... I think I could do that...

For those of you who aren't cool and don't know who Morgan le Fey (also spelled Fay), here is the link so you'll have a slight clue of what I'm rambling on about...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morgan_le_Fay

Losing it...

I'm so tired. I'm tired every day. More than physically too... I'm emotionally exhausted. It's so hard to care for people, hard to keep trying. Worst, and most wonderfully of all, is Matt. I love him. I feel so deeply for him that I cannot even begin to express it. I hate it that he is so close to me... it just makes everything so much harder. He keeps mentioning coming to see me, but there's always something in the way he says it or when I bring it back up that makes it sound like he doesn't want to come. There's always the feeling in his voice like, "I don't really want to come to see you at all and four hours is way too damn long of a drive, but I guess if I *have* to..." I don't want him to come if he doesn't want to. I don't want to be an obligation. I just want to see him and I thought he might want to see me.... When he says things like, Oh, I can't come today, it ruins everything. My entire day is going to be that much darker, that much more boring and lacking in happiness. I hate being without him. I hate not being able to see him, hold him... even more I hate not being held. I hate being dependent on someone.

I think the worst feeling was how I felt yesterday. When I finally fall completely into that dark spiral of depression and feel absolutely certain that I'm not worth it... not worth anything. Yesterday was spent wondering why he's even still with me, why he thinks I'm worth sticking around for. I hate knowing that he could do better. He could do better... just the sentence hurts. I just need to be with him... if only for an hour... if only for 10 minutes. I need to feel his arms around me, I need to feel his breath on my neck, his body next to mine when I wake up in the morning. I need to feel his chest under my head. I need. What good are words? What good is any of this that I'm writing? Why do I believe every word that comes out of that sweet mouth? What good is any of my love if it's never returned... what good is anything if there is no love? Why am I so weak? I just want it all to go away. I don't want to be anything, I just want to be. I don't want to be the less-than-perfect Morgan anymore. I don't want to be anything, I just want to be. Be alone. I want to be where there is no time, where I don't have to grow up, where I don't have to care about anything. Where the future doesn't matter and there is no past to be remembered. I want to be where I don't feel any more pain. I'm home and yet I still miss my parents and my brother. I talk to him every day and I miss Matt so much it hurts. I'm so tired... someone please stop this hurting... please.

Confuzzled... as usual...

Funny how my posts are so different from each other. One says Matt is amazing and everything I could ever ask for and then the other says I'm miserable. So are the ways of love I suppose. I guess that's what this is. Everytime I see him I can't help but smile. Then, depending on his response, the rest of my day is determined. If he smiles back, yay for me. If not, well it's going to be a long day. Some days I seem not to exist. Others it seems I am everything and the only thing in any world. And then there are days where I exist but only sort of... I'm there but I'm a rock, or a tree... something that is not interracted with. I wish I could make him love me... or at least make him feel what I feel. To make him feel every little thing I feel, the twinges when I see *her*, the happiness that cannot be matched when he holds me, the unbearable sadness I feel when he won't talk to me or is cold. The way the tears feel when they fall and the pain I feel in my lungs when I can't breathe and they burn and want to explode. The giddy nervousness that goes all the way down to my stomach when he looks at me with those eyes. gah. Man, when I fall, I fall hard. I can't imagine living any other way though. Full out, full of passion. I love his voice, his hands, his eyes, his smile, the way he walks, the way he laughs... I love the way he loves, the passion he has in life, his tenacity, his strength. Everything. I wish he needed me like I need him... I wish he knew I needed him.

I don't know if I can keep going. I need... well that's it. I need. I need a lot. I need to be loved, held, comforted. This whole life thing is kinda pulling me down. I am not doing well in Chemistry at all. I jsut don't get it. At all. I miss my family... even when I went home I still missed them. John wasn't home, dad is never home and when he is he's watching tv and mom wasn't home just a whole lot either but it's not them being there that I miss. It's doing stuff with them.. going to tournaments, getting help on homework even if it was unwanted,

Bleah

Sad, lost, confused, pained, drained, hurt, and stupid. Wish there was something I could do. Nothing. I hate his emotions controlling mine and I don't know how to stop it. All I want to do is let go and yet all I can do is hold on. Keep holding on... don't let me go...

Different Person, Same Body

Today I was going through some of my old things on my computer and after reading them, it was like I didn't know who had written them. One of the things was a letter I had intended on sending to Derrick and after reading it I just kept wondering who wrote that? Which one of me wrote that? I am not nearly as unconfident or anything now. I am with Matt, he is amazing and great and everything I could ever ask for. I love ebing w/ him. He makes me happy. When I'm with him, I'm strong, sure, I'm Morgan! lol. The Derrick letter... wow... Idk who that was but I dont think it was me. So weak and confused... man, I was really depressing last year... lol. I'm glad that's all over now. Idk what to write here... I wanted to write a lot but I don't know what to write now that I've started. Well, now I've gone off and done other stuff and can no longer remember my point so lol, my bad... adios

M is for Murder

M should be for Murder anyway... or misery... or matt the skank. lol. Misery bc that's how I feel now and murder bc that's what he's doing to me every time i see him. I like him a LOT... a lot a lot and I was under the impression that he liked me but I see now that I was wrong. He is a flirt and I mistook that for something more I suppose... oh well though. My fault for being stupid. I can't really write about this right now... idk if I can't find words or what but oh well. Another day perhaps.

The Let Down

That's me... the let down. Apparently that's all I'm really good at... letting people down. Particularly my mom. It doesnt seem like I can do anything right... I'm tired of being her letdown. No matter what I do it seems like it will never be good enough. I'm supposed to get a job but the job I get isnt good enough. I'm supposed to go to school but since I can't decide what I want to do, it's a waste of time and money and another let down. My athletic carreer, a let down. My body, a let down. One thing after another. I'm expected to lose 15 pounds this summer bc I'm over weight. I hurt my back so I am a let down again. If I were as good as she needed me to be, I'd never get hurt... never have to go to the doctor, never have to go to physical therapy, never have to do anything. I'd be invincible. is that how you spell that? I don't care. Anyway, today they couldn't clear one of my prescriptions w/out some kind of approval from some one or other and she acted like it was my fault. She was upset bc I didn't have my pills... that's the only reason she called this morning to get me an appt was so I could get some medicine and start taking it today so I'd feel better for work tomorrow. But since I couldn't get the pills for whatever reason, I am a failure once more. I wasn't supposed to go to p.t. and she thinks I dont need it and I was supposed to get my pills... that was my only job today, get pills and stop complaining about my back. oh well. she doesn't even care what was really wrong w/ it, it just upset her when I told her I had to get x-rays and stuff. I can't explain this to her either. The last time I tried she just got upset and said I needed to stop being so upset over stuff like that, that she's just looking out for my best interests. I wish I could be perfect for her. I wish that for once I could do something perfectly, exactly right just to make her happy. I wish I could be that perfect daughter and the perfect person so she could be happy and proud and say, "that's my daughter" I know this is silly and I shouldnt try to please any one but myself but I can't help it... my happiness doesnt matter if she's just going to tear it apart again. All I want in life is to make everyone happy. Making people happy makes me happy. I don't want billions of dollars... unless that's what's gonna make mom happy... I dont need tons of stuff or a huge family or anything... I just want people to be happy. To make mom happy, I'd need about three jobs right now, pay for my own college and apartment completely, graduate a year early in the top of my class, go to med school or whatever, become a doctor of whatever and make tons of money and then raise a family just as well as she did and have a little girl who is a dancer and all girly and a boy like my brother and a husband who is tall, athletic, hansome and rich while also being sincere and having a personality that didnt drive her up the wall and who is not baptist, church of christ, or really any extreme christian fanatic at all... idk whatelse. whatever the case, it's not gonna happen... it's impossible. Too bad perfection is the only thing I'll never be able to acheive. Unlike JD who gets his drive from this, it just tears me down. I can't take something like this and say I'll show you! and then turn the tables around... I just let it eat away at me, slowly pushing me closer and closer to the edge of my sanity. I don't fight it and gain determination, I let it kill me slowly and wallow in my misery. Instead of finding the positive I turn into a black hole that kills anything happy. No friends, no good times, nothing. No one loves me... and if they do they're being silly and I dont deserve it. I'll never deserve it. i just wanna get out of here. I want to be... i dont know, far far away... not even in Lubbock... just away. from everything and everyone. I need out.

Meh

I dunno what to do... I like Shannon... I think... I think I like him a lot. He's really really sweet and I love spending time w/ him no matter what it is... but the feeling is not mutual I'm afraid. I can always feel it... when he wants me to go away. But he never says it... he never says what he's thinking. Good or bad he just keeps it in... it drives me insane. I can't show him what I feel either... I don't know if he knows it... but recently I can't show him how I really feel. My eyes give me away and I know he's gonna catch me sooner or later... hopefully never... but he's good at reading me... he knows, he can see it. I can't help it. I get down on myself. I can't make him happy which makes me wonder what's wrong w/ me. God finally smiled upon me and brought Shannon into my life and he has really helped me not think about Derrick or JD or any thing like that but lately I can't help but feel scared of losing him. I know it's making me act clingy and I don't want that. I need to let go... separate myself... let go. Just the words hurt me... let go. Saying them out loud is like a knife stabbing me... I can feel it... letting go hurts too bad. I'd rather be hurt later and hold on to that hurt for dear life than to let go and hurt myself. I can't be alone... single. I can't do it... it's really really hard for me. I need someone. I need someone to hold me, kiss me, care for me, keep me company, want me, need me... love me. I need someone to affirm myself, to affirm my existance and my accomplishments. I need someone to affirm my goodness and my ability to be a person. No one understands this... or me... no one understands how badly I need someone there... that's why I go back to Derrick. Because I like to think he needs me and I need to be needed. That's why it was so hard when he left me. He didn't need me anymore... he got too popular, too well liked... he didnt need me. Shannon doesnt need me. I can feel him pushing me away when I try. He wont let me in or let me close. He's told me some stuff that I was suprised he offered up but nothing that really hits home. He doesnt let me close to his weaknesses... typical guy. Anything that would show a chink in his armour. When he's sick he wont let me help, when he needs help he wont ask... too proud. I don't know... I'm worrying over nothing I know but still, idk... I hate not knowing. Derrick let me know and although it hurt sometimes, it was better than being in the dark. I'm terrible.. in terrible shape. I'm in this... stage I wanna say ,where I serve. That's all I do, I am in the relationship to serve. I don't want to upset anyone so I serve everyone to the best of my abilities. I need people to need me to serve. In relationships, I'm so unconfident. I go into relationships for other people, to do stuff for other people. I go into relationships wanting to do nothing more than simply serve the person I'm with. And I think that I'm lucky to be in a relationship at all, kucky that anyone cares enough that they want to be with me, and then I end up screwed bc they get tired of it and want me to leave them the hell alone... gah, I dont know... i need therapy... lots and lots of therapy. lol. Idk what to do anymore... I need to stop typing bc I dont know what I'm trying to say anymore... bye. -M

New Love

So, after months and months of agony over Derrick, I finally meet Carsten... Carsten is my soccer captain. He's a junior and he's gonna be a CA next year and he's really funny... I like him... but I'm not w/ him.. Nope. I'm too shy. So I also kinda fancy Matt. Matt is a little shorter than me which is no big deal... I dont care if he doesnt. But Matt is also much older than me and he's sweet as can be and has a great time but I'm not w/ Matt bc I'm a wussie. However, I met this guy... Shannon. He's real sweet, treats me good and all that... but I am afraid of a few things.
1) he's gonna realize he can do better and leave me
2) he's gonna get bored of me and go find better
3) He's gonna think I'm a bother and in the way
4) He's gonna get annoyed by my peppy personality and leave me

Today he was asked to take out the recycling which is no big deal... it took us about an hour to do 3 dorms and take it to the trash cans. So I ask if I can help and he says no... so after much begging he lets me but he's now mad at me for asking. Then we get to work and I think it's fun and I tell him I'm enjoying it and he just seems even more upset about it. Then later he says I'm being too happy and too energetic and I'm sorry so I try to tone it down but it's really hard for me. So then he tells me that he didnt want me to go bc he didnt want me to see him uspet. boo frickin' hoo. People get upset. Period. If you're in a relationship w/ someone, they're the people that should be comfortable w/ you being upset. Especially w/ me. I think he's had a life where he's been expected to grin and bear it... or at least bear it and now he won't let anyone else in. It makes me mad/sad/frustrated all at once. Matt (the one I mentioned earlier) keeps telling me we are all wrong for each other and that I should break it off now but I can't help but think that we aren't ALL wrong for each other. I really like Shannon. He's sweet and smart and funny and I love it when he does his accents and idk, there are a lot of things but today everything that happened just really upset me. One thing after another just pushed me over the edge into depression and sadness. Oh well though... I suppose those days come. I can't let him know. He'd hate himself and then feel bad and then he'd really never open up to me. I dunno what else to do. I tried be supportive, I tried being loving, I tried being optimistic, I tried happy, hard working, calm, excited, everything. Nothing works. Everything I tried to make him feel better just made him more upset it seems. I dont know what to do. I want to make him happy. thats all that could make me happy is making him happy. he doesnt understand that. I love... i LIVE to make people happy. It is my true passion... pleasing others. I will do anything to please other people. everyone tells me to make myself happy but no. I can't be happy unless everyone else is happy. If that means not eating, not getting what I want, not being on time, what ever it means, it's okay as long as everone else is happy. I dont know where the other morgan went that looked out for #1 but this Morgan... now Morgan, only wants to make everyone else happy first. and shannon doesnt understand that. Idk, time for a enw blog, sry. I'll be back to this later.

GRAR!!

Lol, nice title huh? I don't know what to title this... Britt, I love you to death and thank you for bein' my girly side. I am trying my best to accept it's over. I know that in reality, me and Derrick are never gonna be together and we're never gonna work out. That's just how it is. But AHHH!!! Even just talking to him... I can't help it. I love talking to him. I love hearing about his day, hearing about lifting, work, school, football, everything. I love his voice. Man I'm lost. lol. What can I do? How do you forget about someone who you've basically given everything you can to. I would do anything for him... stupid boys. Oh well, I am working on being friends now. He will just have to be my very hansom friend who has the most gorgeous eyes in the world and well, that I have trusted with everything. He's the only person that's ever known everything there is to know about me and yet still loved me for me. I say that... and yet this is the guy that basically said he can't be with me because I'm not Church of Christ and because I'm too liberal and I don't know why else... I guess I'm not cool enough for him any more... you know how it is to date a band nerd... total public disgrace apparently. *rolls eyes* But he is my closest friend and up until recently I have trusted him with everything. I don't know if I'll ever be able to be fully over him but I'm doing my best. I love him... God grant me the patience to make it through this, the strength to carry on, and the grace to move on. lata.-M

Fighting through one more day

Due to my previous two posts that could have been novels I will attempt to make this as brief as possible. Betsy, you are full of crap and I really don't care. You can go screw yourself. And for that, I appologize. Robert, I love you. Thank you so much. You are truly a blessing in my life and I love you. Thank you for everything you've ever done for me and thank you for taking a 2 hour hike w/ me. I am really sore. J.D., please go away. Britt, I love you too. Mom and dad loved the cake and John said he hated the icing. You need to eat some. Also, I'm tired of him. I give up and gave him 6... it might be 5 now... days to redeem himself. If he hasn't by the time I leave, then screw him, I can do better. Derrick, screw you, I can do better. I will not sit around and wait for you to decide if I'm good enough for you. I am wonderful, spectacular, amazing and probably love you slightly less than your mom. When you find another girl who would change anything you wanted just so the two of you could be together and would even consider changing her religion to be w/ you and someone who will love for better AND for worse (which means dipping, drinking, smoking, cussing, ignoring, gross, stupid self) you let me know. Until then I hope you're happy. I really do hope you find something better. Brock, love ya, I will find the songs ASAP. Danny, you are looking really good. Keep bein' your same sweet self. Munchkin, I think you made the game of farkle up. I also think you should probably not move beans around while Britt is cooking. She can confuse herself w/ out your help. lol. Kate, keep bustin' moves on that football field and I'll see ya tonight! Go UT!! (never thought I'd say that) ;) I guess that's all for now. Anyone else who is reading this, sorry for the last two entries. Really, I get to talking and I just keep going... ahh, I'm doing it again. Okay then, adios. -M

Dead

I'm not really dead obviously but I can't say it doesn't sound nice right now. Everything that can ever go wrong has been going wrong. I hate school, I don't want to go back, I don't want to transfer or quit though... my friends and I have drifted apart except for one who I wish would drift onto another continent and the one person I thought might be there for me and would stand by me (he said he loved me and would always be there for me) broke up with me because, "he needed to find himself and figure out what he really wants." Because for all the love he has for me, it's not what he really wants. He really wants someone who is hot, low maintenance but loves him unconditionally, lives in or near town for more days than not out of the year, and who is a conservative church of christ. Since I am none of those... well I guess I'm just s.o.l. He always says, "Morgan, I love you and you'll always have a place in my heart." Well isn't that special. He loves me so much he doesnt even want to try to make this work and I have special places in my heart for TONS of people. My smelly dog has a special place in my heart. If I am so special and if he loves me so much, what's the problem? I don't know. He doesn't know what he wants. Today he called and said he was sorry for not being the man I wanted him to be and to this I replied that he is fine the way he is and I love the man he is. For some reason this surprised him but once again was making it seem like all of this is my fault. It's my fault I felt bad about being ignored for a football VIDEO GAME, it's my fault I don't like it that he dips, it's my fault that I was raised Liberal and didn't go to church for several years, and it's my fault he broke up w/ me because he wasn't being the man I wanted him to be... which by the way I never said or said anything even remotely like that. I also found out that the more he talks to that girl he works with and stuff the more he likes her... but he loves me and I'll always have a special place. And if he can't find what he's looking for, or if he can't find himself in the next few months, he'll call me and maybe we can go back out. No sir. Let me translate that. If he dates around and messes with all the girls he can and they all turn him down or he gets tired of them, he'll settle for me and I should just wait around for several months while he figures out what's better than me and what he can get. He also gave me permission to date around while I was single. More bull crap. I don't need permission from anyone first of all least of all his, and secondly, I don't need to date around to find myself. I know what I want and I've been looking and I honestly haven't seen a single guy worth even flirting with, much less fighting for if it came to that. One reason the two of us hit it off so well... for me anyway, is because, whether either of us admit it or not, he's just as screwed up as I am. I can talk to him because I don't feel like I'm being judged. I don't feel bad about being different or upset.
I don't know what to do. Last night I couldn't keep it in any longer so I brought it up and he denied that he wanted to breakup for a little while then finally just said it. Then when I started to cry said not to cry, it makes him feel bad. YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD!! I didn't do anything to deserve this... had I cheated on him, okay, had I been mean and ignoring him or bossing him around, okay, had I been treating him like dirt, okay. But I have done nothing but bend myself in every which direction to make this work. When we talked about this we both decided we loved each other and we wanted to make this work and nothing could ever come between us. More stupidity on my part I suppose. I give him everything, I stopped eating for about 3 days once because I was afraid he'd tell me I was fat and gaining weight. I talk on the phone on nights he doesnt have classes the next day but I have an 8:00AM class or put down my homework because he's upset and needs me. I stopped looking around because I felt bad about it, I waited all of football season for him to decide if I was worthy of his time and effort. I ditched a few of my friends to hang out w/ him because they dont like him and I've hung out w/ his friends dispite the fact they don't like me. I've tolerated the meanest girl I've ever met for him because she's his friend. I've tried and tried and still he wants to look around because there are tons of girls out there that will love him like I do. Now I sound crazy, great. I can't help it. I love him. I can even ignore the fact that he dips and occasionally drinks and smokes on the "rare occasion" (so he tells me anyway) but I discourage it for his health. I don't care that he's conservative or church of christ or that he's stubborn as a mule and I've forgiven him for all the times he's hurt me. Why do I do this to myself? I hate myself. I am so stupid. That's all I can think about is how stupid I am. I can't even hold onto him. I'm so stupid. I hate it. I hate me. I cried for 2 hours and hit stuff and curled up in a ball and shook like a marraca, silently screamed until I thought I had burst a vein, and today I drove around wishing I had the guts to drive full speed into a large tree or a solid brick building or something... or off a bridge into a lake... anything. I'm glad I didn't though. I cheered up today I suppose... but he shafted me for lunch, acted like it was no big deal and said he didnt want to hurt me. Liar. If you didn't want to hurt me, you would have made it a point to make it to lunch. How hard is it to wake up at 12 in the afternoon? I screamed at him today as he drove past but only w/ my windows up and only after he'd passed by. I don't hate him. I hate loving him. I hate it that I care what he thinks and that I want him so bad. I hate it that I can't just let him go and get on with my life. He said he couldnt sleep he felt so bad. Big deal. I couldnt sleep either. I was up till 6 crying and then being mad and then crying again and then being mad again and venting to brittany and getting online to see if he was up... I hate it that I let him affect my mood so much. And then he calls me and was like are you feeling any better? NO I'M NOT FEELING ANY BETTER!!! You freaking broke up w/ me after I was kicked out of the honors program, probably lost my two biggest scholarships, was told I was fat and needed to lose weight, had to try on clothes w/ my perfect cousin and her perfect step mom,and watched 3 chick flicks that showed me the life I'll never live full of love and happy endings and then he forgot he promised to take me to lunch and slept in. Yeah, I feel freaking awesome!!! Screw you! I don't even care if you feel bad. I hope you do feel bad. I hope you feel bad and I hope every girl you ask out says no... or if she says yes I hope you're miserable. Or I hope that she treats you like crap. And then when you come crawling back to me, I'm gonna slam the door in your face like I should have done the very first time we broke up. I should have known not to trust in love or in you and I should have known better than to try so hard to be happy. Screw you. If I could show you how depressed I am right now I most certainly would. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone and yet right now all I want is for you to feel it with me and suffer. And when you need me like I need you right now, I want to tell you no and kick you when you're down. You know I don't mean any of this. I love you. I want to be with you right now, curled up in your arms, safe and sound but I know I can never have you. I don't know why I even bother... but if you came crawling back right now... not even crawling. If you came striding up the sidewalk, acting like the bad ace you think you are, I would probably still take you back like the pathetic loser I am. I've fallen and no one can help me get back up. Tomorrow I will deal with this like I do every problem I have. I'll eat until I'm sick and then I'll run until I hurt myself. Maybe then I'll be so distracted I'll forget about you and my miserable little life that shatters to pieces when you leave. Good night my love, sweet dreams, forget me and go find a more convenient love. Go live a nice convenient life, go to college far far away and forget you even met me. What good is a place in your heart when I can never have more than that tiny sliver. What good is it for you to love me when you won't share the love with me and you won't accept mine? It's better if you just ignore me, forget I exist, like my "myspace" I may as well be a blank, lonely thing. Forget me, if you can't remember me you'll just have one less thing to worry about in your life and all I want is your happiness. Don't worry about me, I'm pretty good about disappearing. Erase me from your phone, your e-mail, your life and live and love meagan or katie or whoever else. I'll just go back into my invisible girl mode. If I could have any super power, it would be invisibility so I could just vanish and not bother anyone anymore. good night and good bye.

Lost and Stupid... not a good combination

Somewhere along the way, between moving to a new school, trying to make friends, trying to find love, and going off to college, I've lost myself. I try so hard to make everyone happy and all it ends up doing is hurting me. But the thing is, that's all I know. I don't know when I started doing it but somewhere between elementary and now I started doing everything for everyone else instead of for myself. On top of losing myself and my way, I am stupid. Being lost anywhere is hard enough, but being stupid on top of that is basically a death sentence. I mean, imagine driving to some place you've never been and taking a wrong turn. A person who realized they were lost would either turn around and back track till they got to where they needed to be, or read a map and figure it out, or ask for directions. A stupid person, however, just panics, doesnt know what to do, or in some cases, doesn't even realize they are lost.
Anyway, I realized it today as I laid on my bed and cried until my head hurt and fell asleep for lack of better things to do and woke up feeling even worse than when I had fallen asleep. I realized how lost I was when I was in mid tantrum. See, I'm currently in a relationship where it feels like nothing I want or care about matters at all. You'd think, "why are you in this relationship then?" well yeah, I thought this time would be different (stupid) and I always give in because I'm afraid of losing him (stupid) and I would do something about it but I love him (stupid) and I dont want to make him upset (stupid). I can do better... well, I like to think I can do better anyway. there's always one more thing wrong though. He got mad at me for getting upset "about the little things that don't even matter" and so I have convinced myself that everything I get upset about doesn't matter. I mean, I guess getting ignored for 2 hours while he plays a video game THAT HE OWNS isn't that important. And I suppose getting upset about things like him being so sick he can barely function but he's playing the same video game w/ a friend and he had to let me go so he could focus but it's okay for him to talk to this other girl that he works with, that lives closer than I do and that he liked this summer and recently thought he might like her but wasnt sure. Why do I put up with this crap? I don't know. I suppose the alternative isn't any better. I haven't met any one at tech, the guys I like here don't like me at all.
Other than realizing that I have compromised all of my standards for this "great find" of a man... boy... I lately realized that I'm not at college for me, I'm at college for everyone else. For my teachers, for my family, because of all my classmates and due to my grades, which were also high because of pressure to be perfect for everyone else. My parents say they love me and they would love me no matter what I do. But they both went to college, both have masters degrees... they might have a couple actually but they have expectations... and no body likes a townie. But it is soooo hard. I don't know if I can do it. Being in the honors college (pressured by my teachers) I feel like an idiot. I am not nearly as smart as half of those kids in there and I shouldn't have even been accepted. I hate school. I've been off for 3 weeks and I have another whole week but I don't want to go. It's the last thing I want to do.
I can barely function from day to day anymore with out getting upset and throwing myself into a fit of tears... I wonder how tomorrow will be...