Slowly But Surely

Gosh. I just went on the best date I have ever been on and gosh. I just... I can't explain it. You had to be there... and you probably werent so that's tough. But it was GREAT. I am so happy. I am slowly getting over this whole psycho ex thing and at some point I will get over the road blocks i put up on my own. I am trying. Happy is a good step towards improvement. I am SO happy. I just can't help it. I am in the best mood I have been in for a long time. And I am starting to feel somewhat better about everything I just felt bad about. I still feel bad, but it is okay. There is a lot about me no one knows and no one knows this. lol. Anyway, I am EXAUSTED but i am HAPPY! I guess I will write later!
-Me

Golly Gee

gosh! B-rock, and all of my other friends for that matter, were completely right and I am the stupidest person alive! I am so sorry I didn't listen to any of you and I am so sorry to JDH that I didnt listen to them either... I have no idea why and I am sorry. gosh, I am head over heels in love and i just cant help it! But i don't want to help it, I love this feeling, it is the greatest thing in the whole world. *sigh* I hope this feeling never goes away. Have you ever seen Charlie Brown? Well, in Charlie Brown, everytime he or anyone else gets all gooey inside and is inlove they get this little squiggley smile and gosh, if my face could do that, it would. I am just so happy. Slowly but surely I will make this right and I will fix everything I have done wrong. I hope I will anyway, I don't know how I will ever make up to you all of the things I have done and all the mistakes I have made but I will... somehow. I wish I could just open up my mind and heart and conscience, which may be the same thing but i dont think so, and just pour everything in there out but I cant. I will fix things though. That's all for now. -Me

Trust Me, It's Real

I thought I was taking a computer class since the class is title Computer Multimedia and Animations Technology but apparently not. I am taking Psycology and Philosophy 101. Lol, we had a very deep discussion about bringing us out of Descartes' cave and get us to see real things, not shadows and how emotions are just chemical reactions and nothing is real. Well, if what I am feeling now is only chemicals and if what I am seeing and experiencing is only shadows, then let it be. Gosh, I just can't explain how great my boyfriend makes me feel. I don't feel pressured into doing things, I dont feel bad when I hang out w/ my friends, I don't have to be someone else, I can just be me. I went to some basketball games w/ him and gosh, I just love being with him. My CMAT teacher can tell me all day long that nothing is real and we are al conrolled by an evil demon, but I don't care. This is real and if it's not, then I dont care what real is. I really like my bf, and the way he makes me feel is real enough for me.

I Love Butterflies

Good gravy! Life is great! and yet it is horrible. I LOVE being so happy! heehee. me and this new guy (the new bf in previous posts) went to see another movie and it was great. i dont know if the movie was great or if it was just great because I was w/ him but it was great. He's a great guy! Anyway, everytime i start getting happy about all of this, my ex keeps popping into the pic and making me feel bad and have a guilt trip. He has a very manipulative part of him that I often want to give into but I am too strong for his mind tricks. I dont know that he means to do it, but he does and it makes me feel bad when he gets so upset and then tries to make it all my fault and stuff. Gosh, I feel so bad but then i rememebr how happy i am! :) :) :) at the moment, i am also remembering how HUNGRY i am and i am going to have to take my leave of this little cubicle. *sigh* :) i am so happy

Happiness Is An Amazing Thing

Gosh, it is so great to be as happy as i am right now. My new boyfriend makes me SO happy! omg :) he send me the sweetest e-mails and he is so sweet. He's just nice and nice to talk to. We are both blues and we can go on for a long time talking about nothing that is going to greatly affect us in the near future. omg, i am so happy. he makes me completely forget about anything that is bothering me and i completely forget that other guys even exist! i love being with him. he makes me feel really giddy and i blush a lot and wow, he makes me so happy. i just.. wow there's not much i can say about him i guess except that he's great. i love his eyes. i could just get lost in them and *sigh*. i really cant explain how happy he makes me. he makes everything right with out even knowing it. i also like that he doesnt cry every day and that he's not quite as tempramental as my last bf was. he's really polite too. and i love his voice. it's kinda deep but not too deep, i love it. :) he makes so giddy just thinking about him and i wish i got to talk to him in person today. I feel so bad that i made the mistake i made last time. you see, last year, i had the choice between my current bf and my previous bf and my current bf and i had gone on several dates and they all went well and we would talk on the phone sometimes and i have no idea what made me choose one over the other but i know i made a mistake. anyway, i guess all i have to say is that happiness can make you forget anything and everything! and that's about it! lata folks! -Me
Can you tell i'm hyper??

What A Beautiful Night!

Gosh. Even when it's cloudy out side and the rain is pouring, the stars still shine in my head... darn blueness. gosh! i hade a date tonight and it went really well! i thought so at least. anyway, we went to see the Polar Express and omg, it was great.. i liked the movie first of all and second of all, i got to be w/ Daniel! Wow. The last time we went on dates and stuff he would barely give me hug but omg, he held my hand almost the whole time! it was great. i was so excited. i was really putting all of my mental energy into my fingers saying, c'mon, take the next step, put your arm around me... but one step at a time. we're not to the holding hands in public part yet so i can wait. omg, it was great though. he is so sweet. after the movie we went to mcdonalds and then i took him home and walked him to the door and told him goodnight. oh gosh what a great evening it was! You know what made it even greater?! For the first time, he asked me on a date verbally! yeah yeah, you're asking dont most people do it that way? but no!! ever since the internet was invented, people use it to hide from any let downs that might be out there, to hide the insecurity in their voices but he called me and asked me to go to see another movie w/ him and maybe dinner this time or drinks again. I am super excited for this one too. :) yay! anywya, that's all for now, my awesome post was deleted somehow and it makes me so sad. it was really good so i'll type it another time when i'm not so energetic and feel like concentrating on one thing at a time. lata! -Me

Breathing

I breathe a lot. I have recently noticed that i have been sighing a lot. Either i have never noticed this before, or i am sighing a lot more and it seems that i forget to breathe sometimes because a nice long sigh just feels great. But my whole life is a sigh. A sigh of happiness, sadness, disappointment, exaustion, frustration, bravery, sighs to attempt to find some calm nerves in my body and it just feels so good to fill my lungs completely and just let it all out. This tends to also replace screams and to stop any tears that may fall into my pillow at night... my sad attempt to be poetic and lyrical isnt working but that is actually word for word what is going through my mind so oh well. Anyway, I guess i'm just tired and i sigh because when you're tired, your body starts to shut down and to continue running it needs more oxygen. I am tired of not doing things right. I cnt do math right, i cant do music right, i dont act the right way, look the right way, think the right way, speak the right way, i am jsut not right. there is something wrong here! *sigh* see? there i go again. My happy sigh for the night is that I am with this amazingly sweet guy... he has never had a gf and he's really shy but i think it's cute. Today at the play (btw we're both offically drama groupies/ techies) he held my hand while we were on top of the sound booth and the only thing more that i could have wanted was to just scoot closer and lean over onto his shoulder with his arm around me and just to feel safe and comfortable like nothing will ever be wrong again as long as he is around... but no such luck... however, hand holding is a HUGE step. we have a date tuesday that i cant wait for! my sad and isappointed sigh for the night is in me. apparently i am just not good enough... for any thing or any one. I am not tall enough or short enough or thin enough or made up enough or stylish enough or social enough for one member of my family and i am not fast engouh or strong enough for my coaches. I'm not smart enough for my teachers and i'm not a good enough player in band to even make the stupid district band. It seems like i'm just not good enough at anything. I'm apparently no good at lighting and if i were a good enough friend, i would have more friends and i wouldnt feel that i had to be someone else to fit in. No one really knows me for who i am and that's just fine w/ me... i dont think anyone would like that person. but i find it rediculous that we all go through life putting on a mask every day to please people or displease people. Some people will say, whatever, this is just how i am. That's a lie. No one is exactly who they are all the time. everyone feels they must hide themselves for fear or lack of friends or rejection or who knows what. Another thing is that i am not a good christian...i make fun of people and though i am joking usually, some of it is truth which is what makes it funny... i guess... but i dont pray every night, i dont rely 100% on God like several of my friends do... for some reason i am not yet able..i dont understand... i will have to writ emore about this later, i dont have time to do it now i have to go. lata to all of the readers... or just the one i guess. -Me