It's official, I'm a nutcase

At this point I'm fairly certain that all of this is made up... none of it is actually how I write it, I've just warped it in my mind. Mom and dad are here all the time. Matt, well, he may not love me, but he cares. He is genuine, which is more than I can say about anyone else I've ever dated. I'm not worthless, I just feel that way and my insecurity is finally getting the better of me. I've been able to hold it back for so long, but I fear that the hole that's been slowly forming in my soul is growing exponentially and I have no idea how to stop it. How do you become whole again? How can someone who is expected to be strong and sturdy and holding up the world for everyone show their weakness and their brokenness? More importantly, how can whatever is broken be fixed and put back together? Even if I do begin to heal, I'll find a way to destroy it all again. Perhaps I have doomed myself to this life. Perhaps I will become the dark fey after all... at least then I'll be strong in my hidden, if make-believe, darkness. At least then I could finally be a fairy and do magic and stuff... I bet that would preoccupy me enough to pretend my psych issues aren't there... I dunno, I guess we'll see. Plus, she's all about healing and taking care of/ ruler of the "blessed dead"... I think I could do that...

For those of you who aren't cool and don't know who Morgan le Fey (also spelled Fay), here is the link so you'll have a slight clue of what I'm rambling on about...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morgan_le_Fay

Losing it...

I'm so tired. I'm tired every day. More than physically too... I'm emotionally exhausted. It's so hard to care for people, hard to keep trying. Worst, and most wonderfully of all, is Matt. I love him. I feel so deeply for him that I cannot even begin to express it. I hate it that he is so close to me... it just makes everything so much harder. He keeps mentioning coming to see me, but there's always something in the way he says it or when I bring it back up that makes it sound like he doesn't want to come. There's always the feeling in his voice like, "I don't really want to come to see you at all and four hours is way too damn long of a drive, but I guess if I *have* to..." I don't want him to come if he doesn't want to. I don't want to be an obligation. I just want to see him and I thought he might want to see me.... When he says things like, Oh, I can't come today, it ruins everything. My entire day is going to be that much darker, that much more boring and lacking in happiness. I hate being without him. I hate not being able to see him, hold him... even more I hate not being held. I hate being dependent on someone.

I think the worst feeling was how I felt yesterday. When I finally fall completely into that dark spiral of depression and feel absolutely certain that I'm not worth it... not worth anything. Yesterday was spent wondering why he's even still with me, why he thinks I'm worth sticking around for. I hate knowing that he could do better. He could do better... just the sentence hurts. I just need to be with him... if only for an hour... if only for 10 minutes. I need to feel his arms around me, I need to feel his breath on my neck, his body next to mine when I wake up in the morning. I need to feel his chest under my head. I need. What good are words? What good is any of this that I'm writing? Why do I believe every word that comes out of that sweet mouth? What good is any of my love if it's never returned... what good is anything if there is no love? Why am I so weak? I just want it all to go away. I don't want to be anything, I just want to be. I don't want to be the less-than-perfect Morgan anymore. I don't want to be anything, I just want to be. Be alone. I want to be where there is no time, where I don't have to grow up, where I don't have to care about anything. Where the future doesn't matter and there is no past to be remembered. I want to be where I don't feel any more pain. I'm home and yet I still miss my parents and my brother. I talk to him every day and I miss Matt so much it hurts. I'm so tired... someone please stop this hurting... please.