Sunday, May 07, 2006
Meh
I dunno what to do... I like Shannon... I think... I think I like him a lot. He's really really sweet and I love spending time w/ him no matter what it is... but the feeling is not mutual I'm afraid. I can always feel it... when he wants me to go away. But he never says it... he never says what he's thinking. Good or bad he just keeps it in... it drives me insane. I can't show him what I feel either... I don't know if he knows it... but recently I can't show him how I really feel. My eyes give me away and I know he's gonna catch me sooner or later... hopefully never... but he's good at reading me... he knows, he can see it. I can't help it. I get down on myself. I can't make him happy which makes me wonder what's wrong w/ me. God finally smiled upon me and brought Shannon into my life and he has really helped me not think about Derrick or JD or any thing like that but lately I can't help but feel scared of losing him. I know it's making me act clingy and I don't want that. I need to let go... separate myself... let go. Just the words hurt me... let go. Saying them out loud is like a knife stabbing me... I can feel it... letting go hurts too bad. I'd rather be hurt later and hold on to that hurt for dear life than to let go and hurt myself. I can't be alone... single. I can't do it... it's really really hard for me. I need someone. I need someone to hold me, kiss me, care for me, keep me company, want me, need me... love me. I need someone to affirm myself, to affirm my existance and my accomplishments. I need someone to affirm my goodness and my ability to be a person. No one understands this... or me... no one understands how badly I need someone there... that's why I go back to Derrick. Because I like to think he needs me and I need to be needed. That's why it was so hard when he left me. He didn't need me anymore... he got too popular, too well liked... he didnt need me. Shannon doesnt need me. I can feel him pushing me away when I try. He wont let me in or let me close. He's told me some stuff that I was suprised he offered up but nothing that really hits home. He doesnt let me close to his weaknesses... typical guy. Anything that would show a chink in his armour. When he's sick he wont let me help, when he needs help he wont ask... too proud. I don't know... I'm worrying over nothing I know but still, idk... I hate not knowing. Derrick let me know and although it hurt sometimes, it was better than being in the dark. I'm terrible.. in terrible shape. I'm in this... stage I wanna say ,where I serve. That's all I do, I am in the relationship to serve. I don't want to upset anyone so I serve everyone to the best of my abilities. I need people to need me to serve. In relationships, I'm so unconfident. I go into relationships for other people, to do stuff for other people. I go into relationships wanting to do nothing more than simply serve the person I'm with. And I think that I'm lucky to be in a relationship at all, kucky that anyone cares enough that they want to be with me, and then I end up screwed bc they get tired of it and want me to leave them the hell alone... gah, I dont know... i need therapy... lots and lots of therapy. lol. Idk what to do anymore... I need to stop typing bc I dont know what I'm trying to say anymore... bye. -M
Saturday, May 06, 2006
New Love
So, after months and months of agony over Derrick, I finally meet Carsten... Carsten is my soccer captain. He's a junior and he's gonna be a CA next year and he's really funny... I like him... but I'm not w/ him.. Nope. I'm too shy. So I also kinda fancy Matt. Matt is a little shorter than me which is no big deal... I dont care if he doesnt. But Matt is also much older than me and he's sweet as can be and has a great time but I'm not w/ Matt bc I'm a wussie. However, I met this guy... Shannon. He's real sweet, treats me good and all that... but I am afraid of a few things.
1) he's gonna realize he can do better and leave me
2) he's gonna get bored of me and go find better
3) He's gonna think I'm a bother and in the way
4) He's gonna get annoyed by my peppy personality and leave me
Today he was asked to take out the recycling which is no big deal... it took us about an hour to do 3 dorms and take it to the trash cans. So I ask if I can help and he says no... so after much begging he lets me but he's now mad at me for asking. Then we get to work and I think it's fun and I tell him I'm enjoying it and he just seems even more upset about it. Then later he says I'm being too happy and too energetic and I'm sorry so I try to tone it down but it's really hard for me. So then he tells me that he didnt want me to go bc he didnt want me to see him uspet. boo frickin' hoo. People get upset. Period. If you're in a relationship w/ someone, they're the people that should be comfortable w/ you being upset. Especially w/ me. I think he's had a life where he's been expected to grin and bear it... or at least bear it and now he won't let anyone else in. It makes me mad/sad/frustrated all at once. Matt (the one I mentioned earlier) keeps telling me we are all wrong for each other and that I should break it off now but I can't help but think that we aren't ALL wrong for each other. I really like Shannon. He's sweet and smart and funny and I love it when he does his accents and idk, there are a lot of things but today everything that happened just really upset me. One thing after another just pushed me over the edge into depression and sadness. Oh well though... I suppose those days come. I can't let him know. He'd hate himself and then feel bad and then he'd really never open up to me. I dunno what else to do. I tried be supportive, I tried being loving, I tried being optimistic, I tried happy, hard working, calm, excited, everything. Nothing works. Everything I tried to make him feel better just made him more upset it seems. I dont know what to do. I want to make him happy. thats all that could make me happy is making him happy. he doesnt understand that. I love... i LIVE to make people happy. It is my true passion... pleasing others. I will do anything to please other people. everyone tells me to make myself happy but no. I can't be happy unless everyone else is happy. If that means not eating, not getting what I want, not being on time, what ever it means, it's okay as long as everone else is happy. I dont know where the other morgan went that looked out for #1 but this Morgan... now Morgan, only wants to make everyone else happy first. and shannon doesnt understand that. Idk, time for a enw blog, sry. I'll be back to this later.
1) he's gonna realize he can do better and leave me
2) he's gonna get bored of me and go find better
3) He's gonna think I'm a bother and in the way
4) He's gonna get annoyed by my peppy personality and leave me
Today he was asked to take out the recycling which is no big deal... it took us about an hour to do 3 dorms and take it to the trash cans. So I ask if I can help and he says no... so after much begging he lets me but he's now mad at me for asking. Then we get to work and I think it's fun and I tell him I'm enjoying it and he just seems even more upset about it. Then later he says I'm being too happy and too energetic and I'm sorry so I try to tone it down but it's really hard for me. So then he tells me that he didnt want me to go bc he didnt want me to see him uspet. boo frickin' hoo. People get upset. Period. If you're in a relationship w/ someone, they're the people that should be comfortable w/ you being upset. Especially w/ me. I think he's had a life where he's been expected to grin and bear it... or at least bear it and now he won't let anyone else in. It makes me mad/sad/frustrated all at once. Matt (the one I mentioned earlier) keeps telling me we are all wrong for each other and that I should break it off now but I can't help but think that we aren't ALL wrong for each other. I really like Shannon. He's sweet and smart and funny and I love it when he does his accents and idk, there are a lot of things but today everything that happened just really upset me. One thing after another just pushed me over the edge into depression and sadness. Oh well though... I suppose those days come. I can't let him know. He'd hate himself and then feel bad and then he'd really never open up to me. I dunno what else to do. I tried be supportive, I tried being loving, I tried being optimistic, I tried happy, hard working, calm, excited, everything. Nothing works. Everything I tried to make him feel better just made him more upset it seems. I dont know what to do. I want to make him happy. thats all that could make me happy is making him happy. he doesnt understand that. I love... i LIVE to make people happy. It is my true passion... pleasing others. I will do anything to please other people. everyone tells me to make myself happy but no. I can't be happy unless everyone else is happy. If that means not eating, not getting what I want, not being on time, what ever it means, it's okay as long as everone else is happy. I dont know where the other morgan went that looked out for #1 but this Morgan... now Morgan, only wants to make everyone else happy first. and shannon doesnt understand that. Idk, time for a enw blog, sry. I'll be back to this later.
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