What to do

What do you do when there isn't anything left. Everyday I feel drained and empty. The only person who really fills me up with life is cranky and wants nothing to do with me over half the time. I try and I fight. I do nice things, I am mean sometimes, I try to be playful, I try being edgy and cool, nothing works. It doesn't matter what I am, it's not enough for him. If you ask him he'll say differently and I'm sure he's right, it's just that he should show it more often. When I try doing nice things for him he gets mad and frustrated. When I'm mean he gets mad and frustrated. When I'm moody or happy, it's the same thing. When I don't care what we do, well, that's game over. Some days there is nothing that I need more than some hugs and a little attention and all he can do is complain about how terrible things are in nursing school or how terrible his life it. I'm sure it's all bad and stuff, but come on. There are two of us and one of us needs lots of attention. I dunno. I just feel empty all of the time lately. There's nothing left for me to give to anyone. I can't be a better friend, I can't be a better daughter or girl friend, I just can't. I don't have any desire to go to school, to see people, to try and be fun and social. I just want to go away and take maybe two people with me and just tell the world to fuck off. I miss my family like crazy and any where I turn for my physical needs, I am turned away. I can't even get a meaningful hug hardly any more. *sigh* I don't even know what I'm talking about any more

Chilling

Yo, to all. lol. I know no one reads this, but oh well. Anyway, I'm currently hanging out in my favorite coffee house writing a pointless paper for my stupid english class that it appears I'm going to fail. Yippee. Anyway, this week, or this month I guess, has been a little stressful. I've found my shoulders cramping up again and countless knots down my shoulder-blades and back. Definitely not a fun thing. Today I have remembered how awesome it feels just to chill. I'm enjoying a pot of tea and one of my favorite bands, definitely my favorite Irish band, well, Celtic anyway, and taking the time to write a decent essay while taking breaks between parts. I love this place. It's kind of small and very comfortable. They always have on some kind of chilled out music, though I tend to listen to my own anyway, and on Thursday nights they have a live celtic band come play. It's nice. It's perfect for coming to study, to read, to meet up with friends, to take a date, anything really. Well, anything that involves sitting anyway. I did make one mistake though. I ordered a medium cup of my usual and favorite drink, the ever-amazing white chocolate raspberry mocha. WHOO!! A medium cup is huge though and I drank almost the whole thing. I also had a large brownie w/ chocolate chips in it and a TON of sugar and followed that w/ an extremely caffinated pot of tea. I'm a little wired right now, to say the least. Being wired for me makes me uneasy and jittery. Not cool, by any means, but better than passing out in class, so I'm okay with it for now. This has mainly been my reward to myself for finishing the opening paragraph of my english paper in a decent fashion and doing all of the analysis instead of just rushing through a ton of BS like I usually do. I guess it's back to work for now though and then maybe another blog later. I can tell all about my recent adventures in the fighting community. :) lata!