Breathing

I breathe a lot. I have recently noticed that i have been sighing a lot. Either i have never noticed this before, or i am sighing a lot more and it seems that i forget to breathe sometimes because a nice long sigh just feels great. But my whole life is a sigh. A sigh of happiness, sadness, disappointment, exaustion, frustration, bravery, sighs to attempt to find some calm nerves in my body and it just feels so good to fill my lungs completely and just let it all out. This tends to also replace screams and to stop any tears that may fall into my pillow at night... my sad attempt to be poetic and lyrical isnt working but that is actually word for word what is going through my mind so oh well. Anyway, I guess i'm just tired and i sigh because when you're tired, your body starts to shut down and to continue running it needs more oxygen. I am tired of not doing things right. I cnt do math right, i cant do music right, i dont act the right way, look the right way, think the right way, speak the right way, i am jsut not right. there is something wrong here! *sigh* see? there i go again. My happy sigh for the night is that I am with this amazingly sweet guy... he has never had a gf and he's really shy but i think it's cute. Today at the play (btw we're both offically drama groupies/ techies) he held my hand while we were on top of the sound booth and the only thing more that i could have wanted was to just scoot closer and lean over onto his shoulder with his arm around me and just to feel safe and comfortable like nothing will ever be wrong again as long as he is around... but no such luck... however, hand holding is a HUGE step. we have a date tuesday that i cant wait for! my sad and isappointed sigh for the night is in me. apparently i am just not good enough... for any thing or any one. I am not tall enough or short enough or thin enough or made up enough or stylish enough or social enough for one member of my family and i am not fast engouh or strong enough for my coaches. I'm not smart enough for my teachers and i'm not a good enough player in band to even make the stupid district band. It seems like i'm just not good enough at anything. I'm apparently no good at lighting and if i were a good enough friend, i would have more friends and i wouldnt feel that i had to be someone else to fit in. No one really knows me for who i am and that's just fine w/ me... i dont think anyone would like that person. but i find it rediculous that we all go through life putting on a mask every day to please people or displease people. Some people will say, whatever, this is just how i am. That's a lie. No one is exactly who they are all the time. everyone feels they must hide themselves for fear or lack of friends or rejection or who knows what. Another thing is that i am not a good christian...i make fun of people and though i am joking usually, some of it is truth which is what makes it funny... i guess... but i dont pray every night, i dont rely 100% on God like several of my friends do... for some reason i am not yet able..i dont understand... i will have to writ emore about this later, i dont have time to do it now i have to go. lata to all of the readers... or just the one i guess. -Me