Somewhere along the way, between moving to a new school, trying to make friends, trying to find love, and going off to college, I've lost myself. I try so hard to make everyone happy and all it ends up doing is hurting me. But the thing is, that's all I know. I don't know when I started doing it but somewhere between elementary and now I started doing everything for everyone else instead of for myself. On top of losing myself and my way, I am stupid. Being lost anywhere is hard enough, but being stupid on top of that is basically a death sentence. I mean, imagine driving to some place you've never been and taking a wrong turn. A person who realized they were lost would either turn around and back track till they got to where they needed to be, or read a map and figure it out, or ask for directions. A stupid person, however, just panics, doesnt know what to do, or in some cases, doesn't even realize they are lost.
Anyway, I realized it today as I laid on my bed and cried until my head hurt and fell asleep for lack of better things to do and woke up feeling even worse than when I had fallen asleep. I realized how lost I was when I was in mid tantrum. See, I'm currently in a relationship where it feels like nothing I want or care about matters at all. You'd think, "why are you in this relationship then?" well yeah, I thought this time would be different (stupid) and I always give in because I'm afraid of losing him (stupid) and I would do something about it but I love him (stupid) and I dont want to make him upset (stupid). I can do better... well, I like to think I can do better anyway. there's always one more thing wrong though. He got mad at me for getting upset "about the little things that don't even matter" and so I have convinced myself that everything I get upset about doesn't matter. I mean, I guess getting ignored for 2 hours while he plays a video game THAT HE OWNS isn't that important. And I suppose getting upset about things like him being so sick he can barely function but he's playing the same video game w/ a friend and he had to let me go so he could focus but it's okay for him to talk to this other girl that he works with, that lives closer than I do and that he liked this summer and recently thought he might like her but wasnt sure. Why do I put up with this crap? I don't know. I suppose the alternative isn't any better. I haven't met any one at tech, the guys I like here don't like me at all.
Other than realizing that I have compromised all of my standards for this "great find" of a man... boy... I lately realized that I'm not at college for me, I'm at college for everyone else. For my teachers, for my family, because of all my classmates and due to my grades, which were also high because of pressure to be perfect for everyone else. My parents say they love me and they would love me no matter what I do. But they both went to college, both have masters degrees... they might have a couple actually but they have expectations... and no body likes a townie. But it is soooo hard. I don't know if I can do it. Being in the honors college (pressured by my teachers) I feel like an idiot. I am not nearly as smart as half of those kids in there and I shouldn't have even been accepted. I hate school. I've been off for 3 weeks and I have another whole week but I don't want to go. It's the last thing I want to do.
I can barely function from day to day anymore with out getting upset and throwing myself into a fit of tears... I wonder how tomorrow will be...
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