Dead

I'm not really dead obviously but I can't say it doesn't sound nice right now. Everything that can ever go wrong has been going wrong. I hate school, I don't want to go back, I don't want to transfer or quit though... my friends and I have drifted apart except for one who I wish would drift onto another continent and the one person I thought might be there for me and would stand by me (he said he loved me and would always be there for me) broke up with me because, "he needed to find himself and figure out what he really wants." Because for all the love he has for me, it's not what he really wants. He really wants someone who is hot, low maintenance but loves him unconditionally, lives in or near town for more days than not out of the year, and who is a conservative church of christ. Since I am none of those... well I guess I'm just s.o.l. He always says, "Morgan, I love you and you'll always have a place in my heart." Well isn't that special. He loves me so much he doesnt even want to try to make this work and I have special places in my heart for TONS of people. My smelly dog has a special place in my heart. If I am so special and if he loves me so much, what's the problem? I don't know. He doesn't know what he wants. Today he called and said he was sorry for not being the man I wanted him to be and to this I replied that he is fine the way he is and I love the man he is. For some reason this surprised him but once again was making it seem like all of this is my fault. It's my fault I felt bad about being ignored for a football VIDEO GAME, it's my fault I don't like it that he dips, it's my fault that I was raised Liberal and didn't go to church for several years, and it's my fault he broke up w/ me because he wasn't being the man I wanted him to be... which by the way I never said or said anything even remotely like that. I also found out that the more he talks to that girl he works with and stuff the more he likes her... but he loves me and I'll always have a special place. And if he can't find what he's looking for, or if he can't find himself in the next few months, he'll call me and maybe we can go back out. No sir. Let me translate that. If he dates around and messes with all the girls he can and they all turn him down or he gets tired of them, he'll settle for me and I should just wait around for several months while he figures out what's better than me and what he can get. He also gave me permission to date around while I was single. More bull crap. I don't need permission from anyone first of all least of all his, and secondly, I don't need to date around to find myself. I know what I want and I've been looking and I honestly haven't seen a single guy worth even flirting with, much less fighting for if it came to that. One reason the two of us hit it off so well... for me anyway, is because, whether either of us admit it or not, he's just as screwed up as I am. I can talk to him because I don't feel like I'm being judged. I don't feel bad about being different or upset.
I don't know what to do. Last night I couldn't keep it in any longer so I brought it up and he denied that he wanted to breakup for a little while then finally just said it. Then when I started to cry said not to cry, it makes him feel bad. YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD!! I didn't do anything to deserve this... had I cheated on him, okay, had I been mean and ignoring him or bossing him around, okay, had I been treating him like dirt, okay. But I have done nothing but bend myself in every which direction to make this work. When we talked about this we both decided we loved each other and we wanted to make this work and nothing could ever come between us. More stupidity on my part I suppose. I give him everything, I stopped eating for about 3 days once because I was afraid he'd tell me I was fat and gaining weight. I talk on the phone on nights he doesnt have classes the next day but I have an 8:00AM class or put down my homework because he's upset and needs me. I stopped looking around because I felt bad about it, I waited all of football season for him to decide if I was worthy of his time and effort. I ditched a few of my friends to hang out w/ him because they dont like him and I've hung out w/ his friends dispite the fact they don't like me. I've tolerated the meanest girl I've ever met for him because she's his friend. I've tried and tried and still he wants to look around because there are tons of girls out there that will love him like I do. Now I sound crazy, great. I can't help it. I love him. I can even ignore the fact that he dips and occasionally drinks and smokes on the "rare occasion" (so he tells me anyway) but I discourage it for his health. I don't care that he's conservative or church of christ or that he's stubborn as a mule and I've forgiven him for all the times he's hurt me. Why do I do this to myself? I hate myself. I am so stupid. That's all I can think about is how stupid I am. I can't even hold onto him. I'm so stupid. I hate it. I hate me. I cried for 2 hours and hit stuff and curled up in a ball and shook like a marraca, silently screamed until I thought I had burst a vein, and today I drove around wishing I had the guts to drive full speed into a large tree or a solid brick building or something... or off a bridge into a lake... anything. I'm glad I didn't though. I cheered up today I suppose... but he shafted me for lunch, acted like it was no big deal and said he didnt want to hurt me. Liar. If you didn't want to hurt me, you would have made it a point to make it to lunch. How hard is it to wake up at 12 in the afternoon? I screamed at him today as he drove past but only w/ my windows up and only after he'd passed by. I don't hate him. I hate loving him. I hate it that I care what he thinks and that I want him so bad. I hate it that I can't just let him go and get on with my life. He said he couldnt sleep he felt so bad. Big deal. I couldnt sleep either. I was up till 6 crying and then being mad and then crying again and then being mad again and venting to brittany and getting online to see if he was up... I hate it that I let him affect my mood so much. And then he calls me and was like are you feeling any better? NO I'M NOT FEELING ANY BETTER!!! You freaking broke up w/ me after I was kicked out of the honors program, probably lost my two biggest scholarships, was told I was fat and needed to lose weight, had to try on clothes w/ my perfect cousin and her perfect step mom,and watched 3 chick flicks that showed me the life I'll never live full of love and happy endings and then he forgot he promised to take me to lunch and slept in. Yeah, I feel freaking awesome!!! Screw you! I don't even care if you feel bad. I hope you do feel bad. I hope you feel bad and I hope every girl you ask out says no... or if she says yes I hope you're miserable. Or I hope that she treats you like crap. And then when you come crawling back to me, I'm gonna slam the door in your face like I should have done the very first time we broke up. I should have known not to trust in love or in you and I should have known better than to try so hard to be happy. Screw you. If I could show you how depressed I am right now I most certainly would. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone and yet right now all I want is for you to feel it with me and suffer. And when you need me like I need you right now, I want to tell you no and kick you when you're down. You know I don't mean any of this. I love you. I want to be with you right now, curled up in your arms, safe and sound but I know I can never have you. I don't know why I even bother... but if you came crawling back right now... not even crawling. If you came striding up the sidewalk, acting like the bad ace you think you are, I would probably still take you back like the pathetic loser I am. I've fallen and no one can help me get back up. Tomorrow I will deal with this like I do every problem I have. I'll eat until I'm sick and then I'll run until I hurt myself. Maybe then I'll be so distracted I'll forget about you and my miserable little life that shatters to pieces when you leave. Good night my love, sweet dreams, forget me and go find a more convenient love. Go live a nice convenient life, go to college far far away and forget you even met me. What good is a place in your heart when I can never have more than that tiny sliver. What good is it for you to love me when you won't share the love with me and you won't accept mine? It's better if you just ignore me, forget I exist, like my "myspace" I may as well be a blank, lonely thing. Forget me, if you can't remember me you'll just have one less thing to worry about in your life and all I want is your happiness. Don't worry about me, I'm pretty good about disappearing. Erase me from your phone, your e-mail, your life and live and love meagan or katie or whoever else. I'll just go back into my invisible girl mode. If I could have any super power, it would be invisibility so I could just vanish and not bother anyone anymore. good night and good bye.