Meh

I dunno what to do... I like Shannon... I think... I think I like him a lot. He's really really sweet and I love spending time w/ him no matter what it is... but the feeling is not mutual I'm afraid. I can always feel it... when he wants me to go away. But he never says it... he never says what he's thinking. Good or bad he just keeps it in... it drives me insane. I can't show him what I feel either... I don't know if he knows it... but recently I can't show him how I really feel. My eyes give me away and I know he's gonna catch me sooner or later... hopefully never... but he's good at reading me... he knows, he can see it. I can't help it. I get down on myself. I can't make him happy which makes me wonder what's wrong w/ me. God finally smiled upon me and brought Shannon into my life and he has really helped me not think about Derrick or JD or any thing like that but lately I can't help but feel scared of losing him. I know it's making me act clingy and I don't want that. I need to let go... separate myself... let go. Just the words hurt me... let go. Saying them out loud is like a knife stabbing me... I can feel it... letting go hurts too bad. I'd rather be hurt later and hold on to that hurt for dear life than to let go and hurt myself. I can't be alone... single. I can't do it... it's really really hard for me. I need someone. I need someone to hold me, kiss me, care for me, keep me company, want me, need me... love me. I need someone to affirm myself, to affirm my existance and my accomplishments. I need someone to affirm my goodness and my ability to be a person. No one understands this... or me... no one understands how badly I need someone there... that's why I go back to Derrick. Because I like to think he needs me and I need to be needed. That's why it was so hard when he left me. He didn't need me anymore... he got too popular, too well liked... he didnt need me. Shannon doesnt need me. I can feel him pushing me away when I try. He wont let me in or let me close. He's told me some stuff that I was suprised he offered up but nothing that really hits home. He doesnt let me close to his weaknesses... typical guy. Anything that would show a chink in his armour. When he's sick he wont let me help, when he needs help he wont ask... too proud. I don't know... I'm worrying over nothing I know but still, idk... I hate not knowing. Derrick let me know and although it hurt sometimes, it was better than being in the dark. I'm terrible.. in terrible shape. I'm in this... stage I wanna say ,where I serve. That's all I do, I am in the relationship to serve. I don't want to upset anyone so I serve everyone to the best of my abilities. I need people to need me to serve. In relationships, I'm so unconfident. I go into relationships for other people, to do stuff for other people. I go into relationships wanting to do nothing more than simply serve the person I'm with. And I think that I'm lucky to be in a relationship at all, kucky that anyone cares enough that they want to be with me, and then I end up screwed bc they get tired of it and want me to leave them the hell alone... gah, I dont know... i need therapy... lots and lots of therapy. lol. Idk what to do anymore... I need to stop typing bc I dont know what I'm trying to say anymore... bye. -M