The Let Down

That's me... the let down. Apparently that's all I'm really good at... letting people down. Particularly my mom. It doesnt seem like I can do anything right... I'm tired of being her letdown. No matter what I do it seems like it will never be good enough. I'm supposed to get a job but the job I get isnt good enough. I'm supposed to go to school but since I can't decide what I want to do, it's a waste of time and money and another let down. My athletic carreer, a let down. My body, a let down. One thing after another. I'm expected to lose 15 pounds this summer bc I'm over weight. I hurt my back so I am a let down again. If I were as good as she needed me to be, I'd never get hurt... never have to go to the doctor, never have to go to physical therapy, never have to do anything. I'd be invincible. is that how you spell that? I don't care. Anyway, today they couldn't clear one of my prescriptions w/out some kind of approval from some one or other and she acted like it was my fault. She was upset bc I didn't have my pills... that's the only reason she called this morning to get me an appt was so I could get some medicine and start taking it today so I'd feel better for work tomorrow. But since I couldn't get the pills for whatever reason, I am a failure once more. I wasn't supposed to go to p.t. and she thinks I dont need it and I was supposed to get my pills... that was my only job today, get pills and stop complaining about my back. oh well. she doesn't even care what was really wrong w/ it, it just upset her when I told her I had to get x-rays and stuff. I can't explain this to her either. The last time I tried she just got upset and said I needed to stop being so upset over stuff like that, that she's just looking out for my best interests. I wish I could be perfect for her. I wish that for once I could do something perfectly, exactly right just to make her happy. I wish I could be that perfect daughter and the perfect person so she could be happy and proud and say, "that's my daughter" I know this is silly and I shouldnt try to please any one but myself but I can't help it... my happiness doesnt matter if she's just going to tear it apart again. All I want in life is to make everyone happy. Making people happy makes me happy. I don't want billions of dollars... unless that's what's gonna make mom happy... I dont need tons of stuff or a huge family or anything... I just want people to be happy. To make mom happy, I'd need about three jobs right now, pay for my own college and apartment completely, graduate a year early in the top of my class, go to med school or whatever, become a doctor of whatever and make tons of money and then raise a family just as well as she did and have a little girl who is a dancer and all girly and a boy like my brother and a husband who is tall, athletic, hansome and rich while also being sincere and having a personality that didnt drive her up the wall and who is not baptist, church of christ, or really any extreme christian fanatic at all... idk whatelse. whatever the case, it's not gonna happen... it's impossible. Too bad perfection is the only thing I'll never be able to acheive. Unlike JD who gets his drive from this, it just tears me down. I can't take something like this and say I'll show you! and then turn the tables around... I just let it eat away at me, slowly pushing me closer and closer to the edge of my sanity. I don't fight it and gain determination, I let it kill me slowly and wallow in my misery. Instead of finding the positive I turn into a black hole that kills anything happy. No friends, no good times, nothing. No one loves me... and if they do they're being silly and I dont deserve it. I'll never deserve it. i just wanna get out of here. I want to be... i dont know, far far away... not even in Lubbock... just away. from everything and everyone. I need out.